This is the blog of a freelance composer. I write music for a living. Mostly. Last year I ended up with 4 part time jobs. Can you call yourself a free lance composer when you are earning a living from 4 part time jobs? 3 of them were music related, so maybe that label's ok. It's only been in the past month that I have begun to call myself a composer, even though I have been earning some sort of living from this occupation since finishing my Masters in it 2 years ago. It is very hard to take ownership of something that has come to fruition through loss, pain, fear and deep confusion. The only reason that now, when people ask me what I do, and I say I'm a composer, is because I am currently writing music for a film, my first commission. It has been delayed a number of times and I've ended up with a very, very long holiday. When asked what I do, I have no choice but to say composer, as that, currently, is my only clear form of occupying my time, when it does. Being a deep thinker and very much in touch with my emotions, a long holiday means: many, many thoughts, and many, many feelings and many, many tired nights of mulling over life, God, relationships, the cosmos, love, fear, and identity.
I have contemplated blogging for a long time and it is purely out of sheer frustration that I begin now. Frustration about life. Frustration about trying to figure it all out knowing full well I never will. Frustration about having 'great revelations' but with none to share them with as many grow tired of my 'great revelations'. Common phrases I hear from well-meaning friends and relations often run along the lines of: 'just stop thinking Hannah,' 'just go with the flow Hannah,' or 'get a real job Hannah.' Telling me to stop thinking is like telling me to stop breathing. Telling me to just chill out sometimes works, when I'm willing to stop thinking. And telling me to get a real job is an impossibility, as I'm so overqualified that no intelligent store owner would want to hire a unintentional musician who has spent 5 years at University and 2 years as a free lance composer. Any jobs that I have acquired that have not been music based have been due to the fact that I heard of the job through friends of a friend, and those who hire me have not asked for a CV, or the job only runs for a month and therefore anyone is welcomed, well educated or not.
Welcome to my life. Welcome to my heart. Few have been invited in until now as it has taken me years to welcome myself there. I have no goal for this blog, and nothing in particular that I am trying to achieve. My life is not driven by a vision, or a 'where I want to be in 10 years time' plan. At the beginning of last year, when 5 projects I was to be involved in fell through, each getting more and more ridiculous - from writing orchestral music for a rock band based in Auckland, New Zealand, to a workshop in the Amazon Rainforest recording the sounds of the jungle - I realised that my life needed to be grounded in something far greater than a 'vision'. Or a 10 year plan. I can barely plan out a week, let alone a decade. My only desire in life is to be honest with God, honest with myself, and through these, be able to be honest and open with those around me. This has taken years to come to, and at the tender age of 25, I am aware there are many more years still to come in this process. Join with me, if you would like, in my musings, my revelations, my questions, and my discoveries while on this journey called life.
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